carsonmills's Xanga

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 20:43:02 GMT

Four Unnecessary Lists:

Top Ten Decades of the 20th Century:

1. 60’s
2. 20’s
3. 70’s
4. 40’s
5. 00’s
6. 90’s
7. 50’s
8. 10’s
9. 80’s
10. 30’s

Top 10 Best Things Ever:

1. Cotton Candy as a complementary dessert at restaurants
2. The Last Waltz
3. Feeling badass
4. Lazy, nowhere-to-go city bike rides
5. The ability to legally drink alcohol while driving
6. Dutch Blitz
7. Hugging strangers at sporting events
8. Distorted guitars
9. Noticeable weight loss
10. Catharsis

Six New Swearwords

1. Sluck
2. Tunt
3. Tudd
4. Clintoris
5. Moistcouch
6. Asss

Top Ten Worst Non-Tragic Things Ever

1. Being Tired
2. Cauliflower
3. Talking about cars
4. Malls
5. The term “hipster” when used as an insult by another hipster
6. Having to puke, but not wanting to puke
7. Balding
8. Ben Stiller
9. Getting a root canal and in the middle of it realizing that the freezing didn’t take
10. When someone tries opening the door while you’re already in the bathroom

My Job Quitting Fantasies

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 21:28:37 GMT

- 10:00 am, Tuesday. Sitting at my desk typing. Stopping. Getting up, walking towards the door. Turn towards rest of the office and let out a subtle, yet dramatic, sigh. Leave. Never return.

- Calling myself into my own imaginary office. Firing self.

- Steal everyone's lunch and throw them all in the garbage. When people begin to complain, tell them, "Well, if you don't like it, maybe I should just leave and never come back."

- Run up to most annoying coworker. Kick her in the shin.

- Start screaming "That's it! You people are all so stupid and I'm losing respect for myself by being in your presence. I mean, you're all hicks!" Smile, laugh. Give everyone sports related key chains to remember me by.

- Show up to work in nothing but tighty whities. When others bring it up, tell them that since they're all a part of my daily nightmare, I might as incorporate my other nightmares into their lives as well.

- Drunk call company CEO, make frequent references to Enron.

- Take a pee in the lunch room.

- Begin hitting on supervisor by removing my pants and helping her on her golf swing.

- Ask for vacation, never come back.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 13:40:59 GMT

Here's ANOTHER film I did a while back.

Watch it once to laugh and be entertained.

Watch it twice to marvel at the Carson-approved soundtrack ("gotta keep 'em separated!").

Watch it three times to make fun of the rampant continuity errors (three haircuts and one beard, oh my).

Watch it four times to notice that when I get hit in the face by the mom with the stroller, I grab my crotch.

I now present to you:

SPOONS

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 16:09:31 GMT

Here's a little J-Horror film my buddies and I made over a year ago. It took one drunken hour to write and film.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 04:32:15 GMT

The Earth is Going to Melt in Fifteen Minutes!

Here's a convoluted film I made with my buddies for the 48 Hour Film Festival.

And yes, if you pause it at just the right time, you can see my ass. Enjoy.

My failed bid at the Presidency was not due to my extremist right-wing views, it was because the left wing media spins the public and controls their thoughts by labeling every person who is pro-"homeless executions" and anti-"colored rights" as a "wing-nut" or a "hate-filled wackjob"...also my crippling addiction to oxy cotton may have hindered my ability to speak clearly in a few of my debates.

I did not sell my poop on eBay for $100 so I could feed my debilitating addiction to McFlurries. They were Wendy's Frosties, which are much better.

I am legally obligated to tell you that I am not a licensed gynecologist. Sorry for the inconvenience.

My brief, but tumultuous marriage to Charo ended in 3 weeks, not one. Also, my affair with Grace Jones was not the reason for the split. It was because of my affair with Whoopi Goldberg. All three of us remain friends/lovers to this day.

I do not have hair plugs. I swear.

I did not give the Dalai Lama a 'Titty Twister."

My directorial debut, Roots 2000, wasn't a failure because "the remake's hip-hop update was viewed as tasteless by the general viewing public." It was failed because I shouldn't have made LeVar Burton wear his Star Trek: The Next Generation uniform.

My brief, but tumultuous marriage to LeVar Burton ended in five days, not three. Also, my tendency to wear a Nixon mask during foreplay was not the reason for the split. It was because of my tendency to make LeVar wear his Star Trek: The Next Generation uniform during foreplay. We remain friends/lovers to this day.

Please do not judge me based on the lies and conjecture of The E! True Hollywood Story. If you come straight to the source you will realize that my life is not so weird. Don't let the media bring good people like myself down. In many ways, I am just like you commoners.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 15:14:42 GMT

http://www.xanga.com/CarsonCMills

Hey, check out my new blog. It's just for music writing. I will attempt to update it as frequently as possible (hopefully daily, likely not). Anything funny that I want to write will be posted at this current site. I am also working on a sports blog.

Enjoy it.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 20:23:49 GMT

That Nigger's Crazy

Coming Soon: "Belt Bucklin vs. Ghandi's Corpse," "412 Ways to Wow Your Lover," "Snakes On A Plane: the Blog," "Carson's Brangelina Watch" and "Get R' Dun: A How To Guide."

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 17:49:30 GMT

I'm a Big Reader

Oh boy, do I love to read. Books are the greatest. If you don't believe me...well, you can just go die. And when you're dying (probably in some gutter) there I will be, standing over you, whipping books (hard cover) at your many sores and lesions. Don't you regret not believing me that books are the greatest? Shouldn't have been watching all that "TV" (that's what you call it right, "TV"?) or "motion pictures."

I have read so many books. Probably more than Einstein, who I once read was a rampant homsexual. He died choking on his own genitals. It's true. It's in a book.

Here are some of my favorite (fave) books (or as I like to call tham "friends"). Be prepared to feel shame:

Chicken Soup for the Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Chicken Soup for the Vegan Soul, Chicken Soup for the Hermaphrodite Soul, icheCkn oupS orf teh lysDecix uSol, Chicken Soup for the Rubber Soul, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, 4 Habits of Marginally Successful People, 134 Habits of Unsuccessful People, The Purpose Driven Life, 7 Habits of Highly Successful Purpose Driven Lives, The Purpose Driven Life for Kids, The Purpose Driven Life for Blacks, The Purpose Driven Life for Jews, The Prayer of Jabez, Get Rich or Die Trying: The Story of Jabez, The Prayer of Jabez 2: Keep Praying, Dammit! The DaVinci Code.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 21:55:07 GMT

I Built a Time Machine!

I built a time machine!

Don’t ask me how. Just know that I’ll have to start buying Pam in bulk. Pam and plutonium (looks like it’s going to be another Costco trip for me!).

Owning a time machine is an important responsibility. It’s kind of like that line from Spiderman, “With great something comes a great deal of something else.” If misused, a time machine can, and likely will, wield disastrous results. If used correctly, a time machine could potentially save the world. If used for good nine times and used for evil seven times, a time machine would have more than a .500 win percentage.

A time machine is special and must be treated with care and reverence. No pussy footing allowed.

Pussy footing is not on the agenda for me and my time machine. Nor is dilly-dallying. Nor is lollygagging. I’m gonna put this baby to the test.

Before I delve into my findings and learnings from the past few days of time machine related excursions, I must relay three vital tips to you novice time explorers and time machine builders.

Tip 1.

It is not, I repeat NOT, possible to build a time machine in a DeLorean, let alone any other car. Don’t let the movies fool you. We simply do not have the technology (and don’t get me started on that Flux Capacitor nonsense. Talk about three wasted years). Time machines are stationary and cumbersome, just like the Lord intended.

Tip 2.

Be wary of where you build your time machine. These are not teleportation devices, people! Learn the difference. If your time machine is in your basement, don’t expect to walk in it and come back out in the mall of the future. Unless someone builds a mall over your basement, it’s just not going to happen.

Tip 3.

Before entering the time machine, please ensure that your penis is not wrapped in foil.

So far I have logged roughly two dozen excursions on my new time machine. My first forays into the future were brief and marginal. My first trek was two minutes into the future. I entered the machine, strapped on my safety harness, adjusted the settings and degrees on my many dials and compasses, typed in my launch code (“launch”), waited thirty seconds, recalibrated my settings and degrees, removed my safety harness and exited the machine. Imagine my excitement when I looked at the clock on the wall, and it showed that I had indeed gone two whole minutes into the future. I recorded my findings and sent them into the Scientific Council of Metaphysics. I have gone farther into the future since these first experiments. They still have yet to respond.

Now I know what a lot of you are asking yourself. And the answer is the future. The future is better than the past. The thing about the past is that it just doesn’t hold up. The past sucks.

I went back to 1991 to hang out with me grade school crush. That didn’t work out. The whole experience brought a whole new meaning to the phrase “Good from far, far from good.” There’s another thing to remember for you novice time travelers: no matter how far into the past or future you go, you will always stay the same age.

I went back to Woodstock. That sucked. It was just a bunch of dirty, naked hippies running around and listening to bad folk and weak rock. Hendrix has got to work on his technique before it’s too late.

I went to the Ed Sullivan Show and saw the Beatles play in 1964. The sound was terrible.

I hung out with Oscar Wilde. The guy is a hack. First off, he stole all my best lines (check out The Picture of Dorian Gray for my “She’s got a butter face. I like everything but her face” line) and then he kept hitting on me. Who would have thought? Oscar Wilde gay? Weird. Also, he originally entitled it The Importance of Being Percival. What a dolt.

Now the future is where it’s at. Everything is better. Did you know that in the future they passed a law to add an extra hour to Thursdays? No, you didn’t know that. You haven’t been to the future. I have.

Also, in the future, there is a third kind of clock. It’s like a digital/analog hybrid, except with DSL.

Also, the next President will be country sensation, Toby Keith. He was/will be a six-termer. There was a law that passed in 2008 that said that a President could have as many terms as he wanted without having an election. Bush still conceded his Presidancy to Keith at the end of his second term. Also, Keith has a really terrific foreign policy.

In the future, all currency is replaced by eProps.

Oh man, there is just so much to talk about. Time travel is #1! You guys need to try it. But since I’m the only one with a time machine, I guess the best you can do is ask me a bunch questions about the past, the future or time machine maintenance.

Ask away and I will answer promptly!